The Ramblings In My Mind

So, it is 5 minutes to midnight. I cannot sleep. I have gone from watching "Mamma Mia" to the Primetime special on Randy Pausch tonight. Talk about a range of emotions! I have belly laughed and belly cried.

So here I am wanting to sleep, yet there is so much going through my mind. I had heard about Randy Pausch, but have yet to listen to "The Last Lecture." I want to, but have shied away from it. See, I am afraid of dying-- why? This I don't know. I mean I know beyond a shadow of a doubt where I am going-- what more could I ask for than to be with my Saviour? Is it the fact that I won't be here? I have such a need to know what is going on, to be a part of everything I can--so is that it? I know dying means I will miss things? Is it the fact that death could hurt? The fact that I don't know how it might happen? I honestly do not know---I do not want to fear death-- I want to embrace life-- to live it to the fullest..

That being said-- I am learning so much about myself this summer. It has not been easy on Eric-- I have not necessarily been easy to live with emotionally this summer I am sure! I have been on a roller coaster ride. So allow me this outlet to write.... to process..... to acknowledge things I know-- and am working hard to accept..... Things I know that I am now working on....not things I necessarily am proud of!

I want to be in control.... of everything

I relive the past too much-- this makes me wish for other days, wonder what life might have been like--question my choices in life

I tend to be selfish--

I want recognition---and wonder at times why I don't get it-- then wonder why it is I really need it!

My kids are the most important things to me.... yet I know I don't spend the time with them that I should... I tend to say... "Later"

I have trouble finding contentment with the here and now-- I long for things that are to come or that I hope will come....

I get angry too easily...

I hold onto hurts....

I want the fairy tale ending....... this is not fair to Eric

I want so badly to be creative-- yet am so scared to try!

I need to be accepted-- to have friends-- I see how my happiness has revolved around this

So- the list is getting long..... thank goodness God loves me--- I see all these "flaws" and yet I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I MUST work on loving myself as God loves me....I had a sweatshirt years ago that said " Under Construction... God's Not Through With Me Yet!!!!" How grateful I am for this........

So if you are one of those that read this; can I ask you to pray with me as I continue to learn about myself and the woman God wants me to be. There is so much within me........God isn't through with me yet....... I can't wait!!!