"Under Construction..God's Not Through With Me Yet"

Sad.... mad... disappointed.. all words I would use right now about how I feel. For some reason I have been thinking back to this time last year..and where I have been in life since that point...which leads me to those three words..where have I been this past year? I don't know that I am in any better position in life than I was a year ago to be honest. Self-absorbed--that is how I feel I have been. I am so scared of some things in life that I have let them consume me in some regard. I have made some pretty stupid choices this past year...I see how insecure I truly am..I see how afraid I am of being alone..I see how I can make people think I am doing so good.. and yet I am not.. I am hurting inside..longing for things I do not have. Isn't that what I grew up watching in a way-- put on a smile and let the world think things are great--even when they are falling apart around you? I am still that little girl--screaming for approval.. for acceptance..I am letting go of things that are important to me.. that are at the very heart of who I am...why do I do this? Why do I run? I am not proud of the mother I have been the past year. I know there is no such thing as a perfect parent.. but I know I could do so much better...I know I could enjoy my kids so much more than I do..I could show my kids everyday in so many more ways how much I love them...I want to be truly happy.. truly content with me... with my kids.. with my family.. with my job..and right now I don't know that there is one area I can say I am truly content in...this year that is going to change...it has too.. I have to...one step at a time..I am going to make changes...I wish I knew how to do that.. where to start..what it should look like... but this is the first step... admitting that I am not where I want to be...there are areas in my life I need to work on..and I am worth it to take the time to change.. my children are worth it and deserve a mother who can show them how to be happy in life in ALL circumstances... my kids at school deserve a teacher who is full of compassion and wants to help them...and so it begins.. right now...change...my goal.. to look back a year from now and see progress.. I don't expect perfection because that will never happen.. but to see a work in progress.. because God isn't through with me yet!!!