Wow.. it seems like time is flying.... life is super busy... kids are keeping me moving! Kadyn is very involved with her dance... Dylan finished tball and is about to start soccer. Mom has moved in for 6 months... things seem to be moving along.
So how am I doing? That is the question I seem to get a lot these days. Overall I am doing fine. There are good days and bad days of course.. but for the most part.. all is well. The kids are adjusting very well. Where I find myself is learning. It seems to me that in trials, I tend to pull inward. To become introspective. That is where I have been... inward. This is not me...I am not one to back off.. to withdraw. When I was pregnant with Kadyn, I did the same thing. I spent almost 9 months in my room... pondering who I was... why I had lost focus... was I mature enough to be a mom...learning to forgive myself and move forward. I thought my parents were going to drag me out... but that time was very good for me. I found me again...learned to forgive myself...I wouldn't trade that time in my life for anything. So I find myself in a place of finding myself again. Relearning who I am. This time is different. I can't hide in my room. I have two angels who need me... who need me to continue to move forward.. to show them that life goes on and they are still loved unconditionally!! However, I find myself pulling away in other areas. I haven't been to church but once in the past 6 weeks at least. That is not who I am. I find myself not wanting to feel like people are throwing pity my way...I want to feel as if I am not dependent on anyone.. and yet I know I do need help at times. SO finding a balance is where I am. Learning to love myself again...
So what do I do...how to I keep myself moving forward.. first.. start taking care of me. I start exercising..I continue to cut back on coke and sweets. I know me and I love them to much to ever completely give it up! I get my kids and I on a routine.. I need to get them set up with certain chores... they help out.. but I need to get them established.. help them begin to learn the importance of good finances. I must get back to church. There is NO reason for me not to be going. It is my own insecurity that keeps me away. Dylan has a hard time going.. but I know it is a season of uncertainty for him.. it is security for him as well. Not only do I get myself back in church.. but I get myself back in the WORD.... get my kids in the WORD....HE alone will carry us through.. HE alone will show me who I am... who I am meant to be in HIM.
SO why do I write this for all to see? Accountability....that is what I need. I love my family dearly... but sometimes it is those who are not related to me that I respond better too. (no offense at all to my family... you all are my rock!) so it is in writing..... the first step...here's to balance.. and finding my way...and helping my kids find their way!
