"Under Construction..God's Not Through With Me Yet"

Sad.... mad... disappointed.. all words I would use right now about how I feel. For some reason I have been thinking back to this time last year..and where I have been in life since that point...which leads me to those three words..where have I been this past year? I don't know that I am in any better position in life than I was a year ago to be honest. Self-absorbed--that is how I feel I have been. I am so scared of some things in life that I have let them consume me in some regard. I have made some pretty stupid choices this past year...I see how insecure I truly am..I see how afraid I am of being alone..I see how I can make people think I am doing so good.. and yet I am not.. I am hurting inside..longing for things I do not have. Isn't that what I grew up watching in a way-- put on a smile and let the world think things are great--even when they are falling apart around you? I am still that little girl--screaming for approval.. for acceptance..I am letting go of things that are important to me.. that are at the very heart of who I am...why do I do this? Why do I run? I am not proud of the mother I have been the past year. I know there is no such thing as a perfect parent.. but I know I could do so much better...I know I could enjoy my kids so much more than I do..I could show my kids everyday in so many more ways how much I love them...I want to be truly happy.. truly content with me... with my kids.. with my family.. with my job..and right now I don't know that there is one area I can say I am truly content in...this year that is going to change...it has too.. I have to...one step at a time..I am going to make changes...I wish I knew how to do that.. where to start..what it should look like... but this is the first step... admitting that I am not where I want to be...there are areas in my life I need to work on..and I am worth it to take the time to change.. my children are worth it and deserve a mother who can show them how to be happy in life in ALL circumstances... my kids at school deserve a teacher who is full of compassion and wants to help them...and so it begins.. right now...change...my goal.. to look back a year from now and see progress.. I don't expect perfection because that will never happen.. but to see a work in progress.. because God isn't through with me yet!!!

Where Have I Been?

Wow.. it seems like time is flying.... life is super busy... kids are keeping me moving! Kadyn is very involved with her dance... Dylan finished tball and is about to start soccer. Mom has moved in for 6 months... things seem to be moving along.
So how am I doing? That is the question I seem to get a lot these days. Overall I am doing fine. There are good days and bad days of course.. but for the most part.. all is well. The kids are adjusting very well. Where I find myself is learning. It seems to me that in trials, I tend to pull inward. To become introspective. That is where I have been... inward. This is not me...I am not one to back off.. to withdraw. When I was pregnant with Kadyn, I did the same thing. I spent almost 9 months in my room... pondering who I was... why I had lost focus... was I mature enough to be a mom...learning to forgive myself and move forward. I thought my parents were going to drag me out... but that time was very good for me. I found me again...learned to forgive myself...I wouldn't trade that time in my life for anything. So I find myself in a place of finding myself again. Relearning who I am. This time is different. I can't hide in my room. I have two angels who need me... who need me to continue to move forward.. to show them that life goes on and they are still loved unconditionally!! However, I find myself pulling away in other areas. I haven't been to church but once in the past 6 weeks at least. That is not who I am. I find myself not wanting to feel like people are throwing pity my way...I want to feel as if I am not dependent on anyone.. and yet I know I do need help at times. SO finding a balance is where I am. Learning to love myself again...
So what do I do...how to I keep myself moving forward.. first.. start taking care of me. I start exercising..I continue to cut back on coke and sweets. I know me and I love them to much to ever completely give it up! I get my kids and I on a routine.. I need to get them set up with certain chores... they help out.. but I need to get them established.. help them begin to learn the importance of good finances. I must get back to church. There is NO reason for me not to be going. It is my own insecurity that keeps me away. Dylan has a hard time going.. but I know it is a season of uncertainty for him.. it is security for him as well. Not only do I get myself back in church.. but I get myself back in the WORD.... get my kids in the WORD....HE alone will carry us through.. HE alone will show me who I am... who I am meant to be in HIM.

SO why do I write this for all to see? Accountability....that is what I need. I love my family dearly... but sometimes it is those who are not related to me that I respond better too. (no offense at all to my family... you all are my rock!) so it is in writing..... the first step...here's to balance.. and finding my way...and helping my kids find their way!

Updates

So much has gone on. School is super busy... but I am enjoying being back in 5th grade. I am working with a fantastic team. I have not been updating as much because of lack of time. See the posts below for some updates on the kids. There are 3-4 I believe. Enjoy!

Sticker Man

Dylan loves to share... everything. Lately, he has been all about sharing his stickers with anyone and everyone. It truly hurts his feelings if you do not accept his sticker...he likes to put them on you..here he is with Granny Lou.... decked out in stickers.

Pure Exhaustion

Here is Kadyn at the end of a long day... this is what you call total relaxation.

Trophies and Hair Buzzing

Dylan got finished with his first season of Tball. The coach ( who happens to be his best friends dad) got the team trophies. You would have thought these kids had won the lottery! They were so excited!! Dylan is playing again this season. Since it is a bit cooler, he is actually wearing baseball pants... I will get pictures of this soon!

Dylan asked to have his hair buzzed... but not as short as Eric's. He was very specific about this! So we had to get new clippers since Eric has no guards for his. Dylan thought it was hilarious that he had to take his shirt off. He was so proud of the final result. I am quite happy...this will save a little $$ on haircuts!


Dylan is my little man these days. He is still so very tenderhearted. He still loves anything and everything superhero...He thinks his sister hung the moon....school is one of his favorite places to be right now...he loves Tball.. but says next he will play golf and then football. He keeps us laughing with his little antics..

Third Grade

How in the world did my first born all the sudden become a 3rd grader? Where did the time go? Here she is on her first day. She is going to the neighborhood school this year. She has been with me, but asked to make the change this year. She is doing so well. As I write this, report cards have just come out. All A's once again. She has joined a new dance studio. She tried out and made their company dance team. She is dancing at a minimum 4 days a week. However, she loves it. She will be in several group numbers as well as a solo and duet.... My baby is growing up... too quickly to be honest.....

My Niece... McKenna Grace

Welcome to the world McKenna Grace!! Born August 9, 2009. 7 lbs 13 oz 19 3/4 in. She has a full head of hair! So glad to finally meet you!!

I realized I never put pictures from Kadyn's 8th bday on here!!! They are in random order....
This is the swimsuit from Grannyleen and Bob...

At Creative Hands they paint the bday kids hand and put it on ceiling tiles which are hung all around.... here is Kadyn's...

All the girls at Creative Hands...


Singing on her new karaoke machine....

The morning of her actual bday....

family bday dinner....

A few weeks ago, Dylan had his first true sleepover at our house. His buddy Preston came over. They had so much fun! Here are the boys trying to wind down.... watching a movie.

Kadyn had a friend spend the night as well.... a new friend made at church.

I know this is pretty dark, but here the boys are finally asleep around midnight!

As I type this, Dylan is at Preston's house spending the night... his first night away from home other than with family!

Best Buddy

Here is Dylan's best buddy... they are only a few weeks apart... they are like 2 peas in a pod....we can do nothing unless Preston does it....good thing about Preston.. I REALLY like his parents!! Makes me wonder if this is a friendship that will last as they grow up!

Dylan's Tball

Summer has flown by! I can't believe it is almost time for school to start again..... I have not posted much lately... since Kadyn's bday we have had Camp Thurman, , gone to Houston to spend time with Cynthia and her crew, found a new dance studio that Kadyn auditioned for and made their company, and been involved with Dylan in Tball for the first time.
It has been so much fun to see him start coming into his own... he loves playing baseball, but hates the heat. He asked if we could play at night after the sun goes down.. sounds good to me, but since that is not until about 9.... well that doesn't work so well for a group of 4 year olds! The kids have grown and developed so much even over such a short period of time. Dylan's best bud plays on his team.. and his best bud's dad is the coach.

Here is the official Tball picture for this season.

running to 1st...

SWING!!!!

The Bumblebees... if you ask the 2 girls they will tell you it is the bee that buzzes... if you ask the boys.. well they are the Transformer Bumblebee....
Dylan is on the front 2nd from the right.. his best bud is sitting to the left of him.

I love this picture... Dylan is on the left end... #24. His best buddy is #20... 3rd from the right.


There are LOTS more pictures on my facebook page. Please feel free to go check them out!

Kadyn turns 8!

Today is Kadyn's birthday--- 8 years ago today she blessed me....she gave me a scare getting here-- but even though there could have easily been life altering issues-- she is perfect. Kadyn seems to have turned a corner over the past month.... she has grown up== another step= one of those things that has just become obvious lately. Kadyn loves to sing in her room... loves to put on shows.. but is still very shy and doesn't know how to take a compliment.... yes I will admit she gets that from me. She loves the karaoke machine we got her for her birthday. Kadyn finished up her 4th year of dance. We are in the process of thinking about changing dance studios.....looking in to possibilities. She is making some wonderful new friends at the church we have joined.. FBC Arlington. Many of these friends go to the school right by our house-- which she has been asking to go to-- instead of the school where I am. Today has been a day of reflection... I was more emotional today than I think I have been since her 1st bday..... not sure why....
Kadyn I love you so much.. I am so glad God blessed me with you as a daughter! I can't wait to see what the next 8 years have in store for you!

Overblown Expectations

I heard that phrase, "overblown expectations" a few minutes ago on Oprah. As I sat listening to the explanation... I realized how it really describes how I am in so many situations in my life. I want so much for my kids, for my family... for myself. Many times my desire for wonderful memories leaves me disappointed after most anything to be honest. I have ideas about how things should be... want the best...want everyone to have fun... will go to the utmost extremes to try and create the best environment... that I either don't have fun myself.. or get upset if it doesn't turn out like I dreamed. I'm sitting here in one of those moments right now... knowing that I have a decision to make... knowing that I am just tired enough after the sleepover last night, ( see post below) that I am probably setting myself up for disappointment no matter what I choose. It is 4th of July weekend... I SOOOOO want to go to the concerts, kids play area, fireworks put on by the city tonight. I SOOOO want to go to the parade in the morning , to be a part of the celebrations. I SOOO want to have plans for tomorrow and we have an option..... I would love to see fireworks again tomorrow night. However, none of these things appeal to my husband. He would rather not go.... in fact has already said he probably won't go. I can't blame him for not enjoying these things.. it is who he is. However, that messes with my dream... my desire for our family and for our kids. No matter what I choose to do, my overblown expectations are not going to be met. I am already disappointed. Do I venture out with 2 kids on my own... who are tired already... when I am tired... so we can make memories....even though the likelihood of attitudes is high after little sleep? Do I stay at home... knowing that I will be disappointed? I don't know what to do... and find myself in situations like this more than I don't...sorry I have now rambled... but as it is quiet in my house.. kids sleeping, husband gone with his brother until late tonight..I find myself needing to talk... to get this off my chest... to throw my hurt, disappointment, and overblown expectations to God and say... HELP as I know only YOU can bring healing.. only YOU can help me learn how to balance.... so I am crying out to YOU!

Sleepover

Last night, Dylan had his first sleepover.... he was so excited! His best buddy Preston came over. We started at McDonald's and were there for over an hour! They played hard! Then it was home to play some more. At 9, we made their "bed" and put in a Power Rangers movie. Preston finally fell asleep at 11:30. Dylan was still awake... he finally gave it up around midnight!!! Kadyn also had a friend spend the night. While this was not her first sleepover, it was the first time Jennifer was at our house. They met at church. Both families are fairly new to the church. The girls have become fast friends! Here are all 4 ....supposedly winding down....

The boys finally gave it up! I never got a picture of the girls asleep-- I could still here them whispering at 1!!

The next morning, the first child awoke at 6:45!!!! My two slept until I woke them up at 8:30-- as both of their friends were up... They went in the pool for 2 hours! I am so glad we have the pool-- it provides hours of entertainment!

Here are the boys fishing in our pool with the noodles.... I wish you could hear their conversations! I love their imaginations at this age.... you would think they truly thought they might catch a fish!

Overall, our sleepover night went well. Very few skirmishes among the kids.... especially after so little sleep.